To feel peace, lean into the negative: Premeditatio Malorum
I had a couple of days that jarred me last week regarding my health. I had a very real sense that something more serious is going on. No amount of “positive vibes only” was going to shake me out of the reality that the human body can be more fragile than we think. That one thing out of our control can potentially mess it up, no matter how healthy we keep.
I’ve always tended to not think of anything inevitable, nothing of negative outcomes, or else I would somehow manifest it. Since learning the exercise of Premeditatio Malorum (PM), I felt some resistance to it because it seemed like the exact thing I was avoiding. I did this exercise a few times, but also thought that there could be things I haven’t thought about that could still happen. For example, my car battery died at 11pm one night after filling up at a gas station — a sketchy place to be at night. I had no idea this was going to happen nor did I premeditate on anything related to this. And so I accepted it and remained calm throughout that time until help arrived. It was especially last week that I saw how effective PM can be.
After feeling quite emotional, which is still very human and I’ll get to that in another post, I wanted to be at peace again and did the exercise as my meditation for two mornings straight. I just thought of the worst case scenarios and then what I could do and how I want to feel should they happen. I then thought of my dichotomy of control and finally practiced gratitude for everything that is valuable in my life.
Afterward, I felt a strange sense of empowerment and was reminded of how powerful I can be. That I own my problems, not the other way around. Currently, I feel at peace again and am just awaiting anything inevitable. It’s an interesting dynamic. Thing is before Stoisicm, it was time that had always healed me, so I’m not entirely sure if it was the passage of time, practicing PM, or perhaps both that relieved me. I think we’ll see as I learn more about my outcomes.
